April 20, 2026

I frequently find myself pondering why it took me so long, decades, to understand the importance of having healthy boundaries. Far too often, we tend to prioritize pleasing others, remaining in uncomfortable circumstances, because it feels easier to push those feelings aside rather than confront them.

I had a conversation with one of my blessings a few years back, expressing my I felt it was acceptable to remain in certain situations where we should have stepped away. I believe we didn’t really consider it at the time. I shared with her that every relationship requires boundaries, including marriage; they are essential in all forms of connection.

Henry Cloud authored a book called Boundaries and has since released additional titles focusing on boundaries in dating, parenting, marriage, and leadership, along with Changes That Heal. Dr. Linda Mintle hosts a podcast and discusses relationships on Faith Radio. I highly recommend these books, and podcasts, for anyone seeking guidance from reputable Christian counselors.

I discovered that setting boundaries is not only acceptable but also essential for my well-being. By establishing limits, I cultivated a safe environment and encouraged others to prioritize their own health as well. Many people often find themselves in situations that would have greatly benefited from clear boundaries established beforehand. Below are examples of boundaries in relationships I have learned about.

Boundaries in being a mentor or recovery coach

I have implemented these healthy boundaries with different people I have mentored as well as being a recovery coach with others. They are somewhat the same. Before someone asks me to mentor them or be their accountability recovery coach, I tell them what that looks like and then if they want to proceed with the relationship, we both have an understanding we can walk away anytime if boundaries are crossed.

For the recovery part, we set a day and time of the week to talk for up to an hour. They tell me what they are learning in their 12 step, what their struggles are as well as their victories. We end in prayer. This is for a season of usually 6- 9 months. It is their responsibility to call me and check in. I have seen those who have gone through this successfully but have also seen others who found it hard to follow through on all that was needed in their 12 step journey, usually getting stuck finding someone to talk to one on one about their inventory, which for anyone who has gone through this, realize this is where the freedom starts.

With mentoring, we choose a day and time I call them for up to an hour. Over the years, this has been with young women, some are mothers of young children, who ask for guidance, advice, and encouragement. This is something that has really blessed my heart. I get to share with them what God taught me through my own mistakes. I pray with them, send them blessings of encouragement, and am there whenever they need to talk. I continue to mentor young ladies and moms today.

Boundaries with friends

Having boundaries is essential, as they help us understand what topics are appropriate for discussion. I have a few close friends with whom I’ve engaged in challenging conversations, iron sharpens iron. I often tell others that if you’ve navigated difficult discussions in your relationships, it’s a positive sign—it indicates that your connections are meaningful and not shallow.

If you haven’t experienced any disagreements or conflicts with those you consider “good friends”, it might indicate that your bond isn’t as strong as you believe. The positive aspect is that when I’ve engaged in tough conversations with friends, it has brought us closer together. We can express our feelings openly, and even if it causes some discomfort, it shows that we genuinely care enough to discuss the difficult topics. The way we communicate matters greatly. If someone is unwilling to share the truth with you or to accept it from you, then I would suggest that it’s not a relationship worth investing your time in.

I recall a time many years ago when I had a close friend and noticed that her home environment was unhealthy. The moment my young children and I stepped inside, we were met with strict instructions like “don’t sit there” and an overwhelming number of rules. Concerned, I asked her what was happening, and she opened up about the issues she was facing. I encouraged her to seek help, but she declined. Eventually, I had to tell her that I couldn’t maintain our friendship; given my knowledge of her situation, remaining silent would not align with being a good friend.

“wounds from a friend are better than flattery from an enemy.”

Boundaries in marriage

Clear communication about boundaries is essential in any relationship. In the context of marriage, this might involve avoiding social media interactions with the opposite sex. For instance, when I text or email a man, I make sure to include my husband in the conversation, and he does the same.

Additionally, safeguarding your relationship from outside “intruders,” whether they be friends or family, is important. This can also extend to creating a device-free zone in the bedroom, including no television, to foster intimacy and connection.

When it comes to dates, we have a no-phone policy. Years ago, we established this boundary while all our children were still living at home. One of us kept a phone handy in case the kids needed anything. Another guideline we set was that we could only discuss our children or other topics while driving to our date destination. We often found ourselves solely focused on our kids, which, while wonderful, detracted from our time together.

After that, our time is focused on each other. These boundaries helped us maintain a strong connection to ensure that our time together was meaningful and uninterrupted. Over the years, these practices have become second nature, allowing us to nurture our relationship despite the challenges and distractions of daily life.

Ultimately, establishing boundaries is not about restriction but about creating a safe, loving space where both partners can thrive. It’s about setting intentions that prioritize the health and happiness of the relationship, ensuring that it remains a source of joy and support for both individuals involved. And of course, I personally believe, God must be center to make this work beautifully. Too long, we didn’t have Christ as center, and it was a struggle.

Boundaries with family

As the holidays approached, I noticed friends expressing feelings of stress and dread regarding family visits. It sounded so unpleasant. I heard stories of individuals being kind to each other’s faces, only to speak untruths or take things out of context behind their backs. Here’s the thing: if you choose not to engage, no one can make remarks about you since there’s nothing for them to say. Let them fabricate stories based on assumptions; it’s quite amusing, really.

My advice is simply choose not to attend, ensuring that everyone remains happy. You can’t annoy anyone and they can’t annoy you. Nice and easy. I wish we would’ve known more about healthy boundaries for all when we first got married. I never did the “leave and cleave”. I constantly sought validation in all my actions, and regrettably, this led to a cycle of self-criticism whenever I fell short of others’ expectations or my own.

When you find yourself in a situation where toxic conversation arises, it’s best to gather your family, politely excuse yourselves, and leave. You might say, “We may return when the atmosphere improves.” It’s important not to expose your children to unhealthy dialogue; however, it is beneficial for them to witness how to respond appropriately rather than feeling trapped and stressed in the midst of it. How many have been there, done that? All of us!

There have been instances when I’ve observed grandparents taking on the role of caregiver for their grandchildren, looking after them throughout the day and even overnight. Unless there are extenuating circumstances—such as the parent being seriously ill, or parents taking a vacation or going on a date—we should avoid this behavior. Consider this: what would they do without your support? Some young parents seem to live as if they are still in high school, acting as though they have no responsibilities because grandma is there to help. This mindset is far from healthy. At times, it’s essential to assertively say “no.” Failing to establish clear boundaries is a prime example of enabling behavior.

One year, while visiting family, I had to have a couple hard talks with someone. It was tough but I told this person that if they kept up what they were doing, we would have to leave and finish the trip we had planned, on our own. This is after I learned that establishing boundaries was healthy and I felt bold enough to take us out of the situation if needed. I would’ve never had that talk a decade ago.Thankfully, our relationship is better now than it has ever been, knowing that we had to have hard talks and although not pleasant, it was worth it.

Some people may not be receptive to your viewpoint, which can strain the relationship. It’s essential to acknowledge this reality and understand that you’ve done what you could do. At the same time, you have the right to distance yourself from behaviors that consistently violate your boundaries, impacting your mental health. Ideally, it should never come to this point. My husband could often tell who I had been conversing with by the time it took for me to regain my “happy” self.

Defining boundaries also involves clarifying what is permissible, and what is not, within the household: no drugs, no alcohol, and no illegal activities. It’s essential to communicate to your adult children that if they wish to live under your roof, they must show respect to everyone in the home. This includes not returning at odd hours of the night but informing you of their schedules so that everyone is on the same page, aware of who will be present for dinner or certain activities.

Last year, we faced a challenging situation when one shared, in front of my youngest, some personal experiences of how she had been living that were going against everything we believed and even toward illegal activity. It was almost as if she were testing how far I would let her go into her unhealthy behaviors under our roof. We had a very difficult conversation, during which I emphasized the importance of having boundaries in place for everyone’s happiness and well-being.

I remembered the anxiety I felt at night, aware that a “high-risk” individual was just a room away. We had already gone through similar experiences and recognized how quickly things could escalate, creating an unhealthy environment that would snowball into grumpy, anxiety, walking on eggshell people. This situation was even causing strain between my husband and I. One evening, I stayed up late talking with her as she faced her struggles. While I’m always open to listening, for hours on end, I made it clear that I wouldn’t jeopardize the safety of any of us—particularly my youngest blessing, who she was feeling very jealous of.

After discussing the situation with our pastor, he agreed that we should not allow her to remain; it was our responsibility to create a safe environment for all who live here. It was a matter of tough love so we said goodbye for now, and not surprising, we had people scold us, but we could not allow someone to come into our home, making it chaotic again. We’ve been there, done that. Not again. We have lived such happy, peaceful years and don’t want that to change. I felt so guilty to say she couldn’t live with us, but looking back, we did the right thing. My prayer is the time we spent together, about a month, and the hard talks will remain with her so much so that she is drawn to the Lord and realizes her behaviors need to change. I pray she realizes we loved her well. This is why it was so hard for her to have and keep any good relationship.

Some people will only be in your life for a season and that is okay. As life ebbs and flows, people come and go, each leaving a unique imprint on our hearts. Understanding boundaries are a must in all relationships allows us to appreciate the lessons each brings, even if only for a time. We can cherish connections while gracefully letting go when paths diverge. In this way, we remain open to new experiences, friendships, and the endless possibilities that life, on this earth, has to offer.