May 1, 2026

Many have been raised to believe spanking was/is normal because God’s Word says. “don’t spare the rod”. This makes me so sad because it is something that has been normalized that many of us take into raising our own children as well. Anyone who “spanks” a child or is physical hurting them in any way, all in the name of God’s Word, has been lied to. This is spiritual abuse.

Some individuals may have experienced the use of a belt or a switch, which can significantly affect a person’s mental state that goes to the next generation and on. Often, it takes years to fully grasp the extent to which such experiences have influenced one’s mind. It’s crucial to recognize the deep impact these situations can have on a person’s emotional and psychological health.

Healing from such experiences requires time, sometimes a lifetime, and professional counseling. Acknowledging and understanding one’s past can be the first step toward recovery and personal growth. Establishing a supportive network of friends, family, and even mental health professionals can offer encouragement and guidance as one navigates these complex feelings. Remember, it’s never too late to seek help and strive for a healthier, more fulfilling future that God has created for you.

When my first child was born, I remember my mom saying she hoped we didn’t use a belt on our children. With my background, I told her there is no way I could, but I never asked, “why was it okay 20 years ago?” We knew many people who used belts and even took a parenting course that encouraged to use conveyer belts Growing Kids God’s Way as it could fit in your pocket or purse. My husband and I were shocked yet we kept showing up to the course until it was finished. Praise the Lord, even though we knew people who did this, we did not.

The reason they said to use conveyer belts is because to use your hand is to love, not to “discipline”, but we did use our hand as we didn’t want to use those belts that brought back unhealthy memories for both of us. There are things you never want your children to experience so as my mom used to tell me, you hope to take with you the good lessons and leave the negative ones behind through each generation.

When our children experienced spanking, it was hardly effective, as they would laugh and claim it didn’t hurt. I recall them padding their bottoms with toilet paper and even wearing extra pants. They would emerge smiling, and I would pretend I was unaware. The only thing that hurt was my hand, and I felt terrible so that route of discipline didn’t last. Removing activities or enjoyable things as a form of discipline proved to be much more effective; however, I disliked doing that as well, because if my children were unhappy or miserable, I felt the same way.

I recall one of my children mentioning that the discipline that resonated with her the most was when I warned her that if she repeated certain behavior, she would miss out on seeing a show. She decided to test that, and indeed, she was unable to attend the show. When she shared this with me, as an adult, she then realized I didn’t enjoy the show without her. I thought of her the entire time and was miserable because she wasn’t there enjoying it either. I also remember telling one of my children that she obviously hadn’t been spanked enough when she was younger, to which she replied, “Well, spank me then!” I was momentarily taken aback. It reminded me of one of my children coming to me, holding out his hand, so it could be smacked. I asked him why and he said because he was going to go touch something he shouldn’t. These children were smart!

Realizing positive reinforcement and nurturing creates a strong bond of trust where our children can develop into confident, compassionate individuals. It’s a journey of learning and growing together. Do we mess up? Yes, yes we do, but thankfully they know we aren’t perfect and everyone’s just trying to do the best they can. After all, the goal is not just to have our children “turn out all right,” but to truly thrive and be the best versions of themselves.

A child should never feel apprehensive about welcoming their parent at the door. A child should not feel compelled to stay quiet, hoping their parent would overlook the need for “discipline.” And can you imagine the anxiety filling a child when they hear, “just wait until your father gets home”. Some may have anxiety for the entire day until he returns from work or some may wait for a week or more because their father may be working out of town. They should not dread their parent returning home, the sound of their parent’s voice, having anxiety about what might follow. Just as sheep delight in hearing their Shepherd’s voice, we too, can find joy in the guidance of the One leading us. Isn’t that how we should be as parents?

Regardless of how we turn out, I believe it’s important to break certain cycles and choose gentler ways to guide and nurture our children like a Shepherd does with his sheep. We live in a time where we have access to so much knowledge about child development and effective parenting strategies. We can choose to foster a loving and supportive environment that encourages open communication and understanding or create one with fear and walking on eggshells. We talked with our children….a lot….I suppose most people think if you spank your child, it’s quick and easy, and you don’t need to talk. How many of us got spanked and don’t even know why? Talking through the hard with your children is the most effective so they understand why they are having an activity removed.

So please know this: if you are someone reading this, brought up believing that spanking, using instruments such as belts of different kinds or whatever, this is not of God. The rod is not for hitting your children! The rod, used for the sheep, was used to keep predators away. It was also used to get the wandering sheep back into the flock. This verse is about DISCIPLINE, NOT PUNISHMENT. Discipline is about guidance, teaching, and nurturing growth, much like a shepherd cares for their flock. It involves setting boundaries with love and understanding, ensuring that children feel safe and supported as they learn and develop. Just as the Shepherd uses the rod to protect and guide the sheep without harm, discipline should be approached with patience and empathy, focusing on helping children understand the consequences of their actions and encouraging positive behavior. It’s about building trust and fostering a healthy environment where children can thrive and learn to make good choices on their own.

I remember us having one of our family game nights, when I had two adult children, one teen, and then the youngest, and we had a good discussion about parenting after the youngest went to bed. I am certain many of us wish we could hit “rewind” and parent differently. I remember my older children complaining that I wasn’t disciplining the younger children as they thought I should and things like, “we could never get away with that.” We talked about hills we’d learned not to die on as well as poor parenting choices versus the ones done “correctly” and how each child is so different and where one discipline may work for one child and not the other and navigating through how that looks.

At the end of that conversation, my oldest smiled and remarked, “You did the best you could.” That’s all we aim to do in this imperfect world. Perhaps this is why grandparenting is so much more enjoyable; we no longer have to navigate the complexities of discipline since we’ve already experienced it ourselves. However, as grandparents, we hold the potential to significantly impact our grandchildren’s lives through the lessons we’ve learned throughout this journey called life. Taking the time to engage in meaningful conversations with our children and grandchildren during challenging times is something we will never regret but cherish.

While our children may still seek our advice as they go through their own parenting season, it’s essential to remember not to offer your “wisdom” unless it is requested. Believe it or not, I find myself speaking much less than I used to. I take the time to consider what I am asked before I respond. I often ask, “Would you like me to listen, or do you want me to offer a response as well?” This shows respect for everyone involved. Our children appreciate when we acknowledge we didn’t always do it right and that we won’t always have the right answer.

I believe we need to go back and study the Word of God to KNOW what verses have been taken so out of context. If we only read one verse and not what encompasses it, we may really find ourselves going off of God’s plan for us. It’s important to approach Scripture, seeking to understand the true essence and teachings it offers. By doing so, we can gain deeper understanding, allowing us to apply these lessons nuggets of truth correctly to our lives and those entrusted to our care.