November 29, 2025

WARNING: if sensitive about trauma and death, avoid reading this.

grind·ing /ˈɡrīndiNG/
adjective
 (of a difficult situation) oppressive and seemingly without end.

halt/hôlt/
verb
bring or come to an abrupt stop.

There are times in our lives, we come to a grinding halt. It’s not the first time this has happened to you or me. In those times, it is easy to complain because things are out of our control but we can use it as an opportunity to ask the Lord what He would have us to do with it. Thankfully, nothing is in our control except for our own responses. I guarantee both you and I have not always responded well. But, there will always be next time, to be given another chance, to try and respond well. Eventually, we get it. It is so much nicer when we realize we cannot control what others say or do. It is freedom!

If you have a personality like mine, much like a race car, you go, go, go until you are almost on empty to fill up. This is not a healthy way to live but over the years, I have learned to listen to my body, more and more to slow down, but not only that, but one of my blessings has always shown me the positive of stopping to smell the roses….literally. Now, I have a better understanding to see the internal signs that are telling me to wait, slow down, go, or stop.

I have had a kidney disease, probably my whole life but wasn’t discovered till it came to the surface in 2020. It is considered rare but I wonder if it is because it is hard to diagnose and that more people really have it. It is called Tumor Induced Osteomalacia. This means when these itty bitty tumors, that can be throughout your body, get big enough, they will disrupt how. your body works, causing your kidneys to dump the nutrients our bodies need. My body has been malnourished probably my whole life because of this.

I do hate looking back on pictures because I looked very sickly. I remember after being married, someone had the nerve to run their finger down my spine commenting how gross that was. I also remember being pregnant and having a group of “bible study” women telling me I looked like I was anorexic. These people were correct on how I looked but don’t you think if these people really cared they wouldn’t make a joke about it. Most don’t know people’s personal health struggles so good not to assume though again so mean of people to say and do such rude things.

My bones are easy to bend or break. It is easier to develop other things since immune system is low, especially when you are in a flair of sorts. So, this comes with disorders and diseases that are just plain annoying and funny. For instance, I have Nutcracker Syndrome so anytime I see a Nutcracker, I laugh. Thankfully, over the past five years, I have been staying on top of things so I can usually tell when my body is about to rebel. Since working out on a pretty consistent basis and making sure my body takes in all the nutrients needed, I am not that skinny, sickly looking girl anymore. I’ve even gained more weight with muscle and fat.

A problem with surgeries and things that have happened is now I have had neuropathy so cannot feel things normally plus I have also had a very high pain tolerance so usually cannot notice when there is something wrong. For example, last year, I had a stress fracture on my knee and didn’t realize that until all of a sudden I couldn’t walk normal and then the pain hit me so because I had the Gladiator coming up, I went to physical therapy, upped my vitamin D, and wrapped my knee.

I was able to go through it with no further damage! And, side note: I was wearing stick on nails I was going to remove beforehand, but decided to see how long they’d stick. They stayed on through the entire race, though they were super dirty when done so obviously I took them off. I did talk to doctors before and after, and I did well! I didn’t injure my knee further though I was told it would hurt. It really didn’t.

Earlier in the year, I got a stress fracture on my wrist so I wrapped that and let it heal and didn’t lift anything with that hand for awhile and worked my way back to heavier weights. I now wrap my wrists so I can lift without hurting anything. I also wear special shoes to workout in so I can protect my feet.

I usually have been good about making some kind of down time during the day, whether that be when I talk with people about God which could be anywhere from half hour to two hours, doing my bible study, journaling, painting or just enjoying the beautiful creation I am surrounded by. I do love reading a good book but then I tend to want to keep reading until it’s done, and I just don’t have time for that. I love listening to audible books so that when I am driving I am able to listen to something on there or listen to Faith Radio.

I do want to find a better balance to my days because I always tend to let my house go (never been a good “housewife”) but my husband has assured me over the years he would rather me spend time with the children through the years than to focus on cleaning and picking up. Our home always looks very lived in, and I guess that’s why you buy a home, right?

I do remember though when I went to Romania, I saw these beautiful homes that gypsies owned and they literally lived in their backyard in tents along with outhouses. Their home was a museum like to show off, not to live in. I don’t even like to cook or bake but my husband and children are the ones that have done that because it is just not a talent I have and that is okay.

I do love that we have company over often whether game nights (Nertz is the best!), movie nights, and parties to celebrate anyone or anything! Do I bake for these? Absolutely not! Store bought food can be the best or people bring over things to share or the easiest thing to do, especially for movie nights, is to bring your own food and drink. Nice and easy, stress free! What beautiful times we have had! Fun to prepare for, fun during the time together making memories, and fun with the pick up as I can thank God for the many blessings He has given us to enjoy.

Life is never going to be as you planned but it is always much better than imagined. This comes with ups and downs, highs and lows, much learning and growing. When you learn that you cannot control your circumstances but only your responses, life gets much easier. Again, it’s freeing. The first time I was in a wheelchair, I realized how much of a control freak I really was, though the people around me were only trying to help but I just wanted to do it on my own, stop when I wanted to stop, and go when I wanted to go. The plus is I have pretty good upper body strength now so I can wheel myself if need be in the future.

Last year I lost my Eden Girl. I have never loved an animal so much in my entire life. I didn’t realize how much I loved her till she was no longer there. I had not weeped so much in a very long time. I realized she needed me so much, and I guess I needed her too. She followed me everywhere, she cuddled like you wouldn’t believe. She would just plop her heavy body on me. At least once a day I sang to her “You are My SunShine”. She would fall asleep to that.

She was truly a bright light in my life! It was a very traumatic way we lost her. Long story short, we left Echo, our other dog, and her at home in the room where we always left them with a new treat for each of them. I was hesitant because we had just gotten those the night before but then that thought quickly passed as they always have treats and chew on bones when we are gone.

We were at church and all of a sudden I was feeling very irritable during worship time which I always absolutely loved, and I had no idea what was happening with me as I could not sit still, very anxious. I was not even thinking of all the animals at home. After church we were to go out to lunch with some friends, but I told my husband we needed to go home. Normally, I would go get the dogs while my husband would check on all the bunnies but for whatever reason, I went to check on the bunnies while he went to let the dogs outside.

He came to me outside very quickly and told me he needed my help and that I needed to be calm. I quickly prayed that whatever it was that I would be able to handle it. I walked into something that looked like a crime scene. Eden, who is all white, was completely pink. Echo laid there with a steady stream of blood coming from his neck. I was so much in shock I think that I just did what I had to do. I couldn’t talk much. I couldn’t cry.

We got them both to the ER and they both went into surgery. We didn’t realize till we got there that although Eden had superficial bites all over her, she had bitten on each side of Echo’s neck and had we gone out to lunch, he more than likely would have bled out.

We left them both at the hospital and came home to clean the room which was covered in blood even along the walls up to 6-8 feet high easy. My husband and I both scrubbed and worked hard in silence. It was so very hard and didn’t seem real. I could only imagine the scene that took place and remembering how Eden stood over Echo, almost like crying, with a sound I’ve never heard from any animal and how Echo had tears running down his face.

We knew we had some hard choices to make. My heart hurt so badly because it was looking like we were going to need to say good-bye to Eden. I grieved so much because I loved that girl. My heart was breaking like it hadn’t in so very long. I asked the Lord, “Why? Why do You need to take Eden from me? I’ve had so much loss, and now You want to take my dog?!” I was so angry with God that night of struggling.

However, at the end of my sobbing, I silently spoke, “The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.” I then thanked God for the time He had given her to me. We tried to find someone who could take Eden, we tried to reintroduce them, we spent days talking to professional trainers, and even a couple of veterinarians. We then had the Rescue call us and assure us we gave her the best 15 months of her life and to rest in that.

When we went to say good-bye to her, our vet warned us that she was not the same dog. She came out to me and was not her happy running to me with her body so full of excitement, self. Her eyes were dark. This made saying good-bye somewhat easier knowing she wasn’t ever going to be the same sweet girl. She had been broken before we met her and started her healing journey with us but unfortunately that day with Echo, her past came to haunt her in that moment in time. And the way I remember seeing her that day, you could tell she hadn’t meant to hurt her best friend.

We had gotten Eden when she was 10 months old and she was so scared of everyone and everything because she had been so hurt. She only trusted me fully, though she loved my husband and daughter very much, too. She was so playful and lovey, she loved the cats, the bunnies, the chickens and ducks. She was Echo’s best friend. We couldn’t have company though because when we tried, she would make people nervous as she’d sit in front of me.

The first shot was given to calm her and she laid on my lap. I sang to her one last time, “You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine…” After, the dr came in and gave the final shot. She was quickly gone and all of a sudden there were her beautiful green eyes again. She was at peace. We put her ashes under a Willow tree and had a little good-bye for her when my daughter was back from college. Echo was with us while we did this, and it is crazy, but he will actually sit or lay by the Willow tree at times. I guess he could sense what we were doing and where she now lays.

A few months later, we got a little puppy, rightly naming her Willow. Echo went through some intense training before this to be okay again and now he’s getting better than ever. Willow and Echo are the best of friends! She loves all the cats, the bunnies, and chickens, too! We’ve lost some bunnies and chickens and even a couple of our feral cats, but all this is just part of the cycle of life. I am also a firm believer that whatever you go through in life will prepare you for other things in life as well as use you in other’s lives who may have gone through the same things.

A few months back, my daughter and I went to visit a dear friend who we would visit pretty frequently. When we pulled up, my daughter was taking our newest bunny, Bailey, out to see her. I told her to wait for me. As we go to the door, I always do a special knock for her…. knock, knock, knock, knock knock….knock, knock. I open the door and we greet each other.

This time though we didn’t see her, no response. I walked in, calling her name, then as I came around the corner she was laying down, curled up, facing the wall. I touched her back, believing she must be breathing and that I just couldn’t feel it. My thoughts raced, “She cannot be gone…. This is not supposed to happen like this….hold it together because my daughter is watching….Help me God.”

I looked around the corner at my daughter and told her to get help. I tried to wake my dear friend up by shaking her shoulder gently, and as I did she that, I saw she was gripping her keys and had so much blood coming out of her mouth and nose. It was shocking to see. I knew then that she was gone. I stood back. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I should not have been the one to find her dead. “Why, Lord?” Emergency was called, then when they came, time was called, and I walked out. I couldn’t cry.

Before she was even cleaned up, I went back into her room to say good-bye. I held her hands often when I would visit so I held her hand one last time. Normally her hands were cold when I visited her before that but she was still warm. I started to talk to her but stopped in mid sentence, realizing she was no longer there. She was never going to be there again to give me advice, to sing with me, to laugh together, pray together, and even cry together.

This was just her shell. Her spirit was gone but more alive than ever. I went out to the car with my daughter and we sat there for awhile. Then she broke our silence, “mom! You saved me from seeing her like that! Every time we have visited, I have gone in before you but this time you told me to wait!” She was right! I was praising God that my daughter didn’t go in before me like she usually did and that she didn’t see what I saw. My mind is so visual, the scene is in my head but I quickly think back to when she was alive or look at pictures and video of her smiling and making us laugh.

This past year, I wake up in the morning and cannot walk very well. I figure it is just because of neuropathy and my feet trying to wake up. Well, then because they wake up after the first few minutes, I can walk pretty well until I have been driving or sitting for awhile, then they have to wake back up again. One foot started having more trouble.

I went to urgent care one day wanting to make sure my feet were going to be okay to do a 21 mile walk, because at that point, I didn’t know if I could even do a mile. They did an X-ray and all seemed well, so I decided to put on a pain topical and take ibuprofen throughout the walk. I made it but when I got home my feet were so swollen, I had four very bruised toes and since then toenails that died, so fell off. I didn’t feel it then and still cannot. That is part of the neuropathy. My daughter and I were so happy as it was the first time we made it! We were both walking around the next day very stiff but very happy!

My foot seemed to be okay but then it wasn’t but I also realize I do not feel pain normally. So, I decided to go to my foot doctor. She told me we have to put off the surgery that had already been scheduled for my other foot because obviously I don’t want to have two feet that cannot work at the same time. I think, “who has time for this?” but then immediately think of all the things I can do while I’m on my butt.

My point is, all this stuff that comes unexpectedly in your life may not be wanted; however, it is all used to make us stronger, to help us grow into what God would have us to be. So, we need to embrace the unpleasantness and learn from it. Do what you can do where God puts you. Get brave, step out of your comfort zone. He has a great plan and purpose for you for this season.

Like I said earlier, I absolutely love talking with people from all over the world about Jesus. So many have said I made a difference in their lives which always makes me smile and give glory to God as that is something I have told our children since they were small. From going to nursing homes, spending time with those that couldn’t go anywhere to working with a homeless ministry to doing missions and more I am sure I am not even thinking of. They were able to experience the blessings you get from being a blessing to another. That, and it takes ours eyes off of our circumstances and ourselves.

So when things in your life seem to come to a “grinding halt”, that you are unable to do what you planned, remember that God has a bigger and better plan to use you anywhere, anytime, anyplace. So instead of complaining about what you cannot do, ask the Lord to show you how to make a difference with the situation you are in now. You will be blessed beyond to be a blessing to others. Are you willing?

Blessings,
Jennifer