September 21, 2020

The word, Codependency, is something that was brought to my attention last year. I have thought much about it and asked myself if that was a word that described me, and after thinking much on it, I thought it surely didn’t.

However, as I have gone through trying to figure out all the many things I struggle with, the more and more I realize not being codependent is something I need to work on.

Over the years, God has been teaching me to find my identity in Him alone, though when I am in certain situations, I realize I have tried to find my identity in others. I think if we are honest, we would realize we all want to be accepted by others.

Growing up, we want to be accepted by our peers, so we tend to do what they do and like what they like. Everyone wants approval from their parents and teachers so we will say and do what we think might make them even more proud.

As adults, we still want to be accepted by our peers. This could be in situations at work, whether or not you will listen to or spread gossip or if you will laugh at or share an inappropriate joke. Would you act differently to the people you go to church with or have Bible study with? Sadly, gossip is huge, whether you’re in church or not.

I haven’t had a Facebook account for a few years now. The reason being is that I would see people tear each other apart because they seemed more brave to be a bully behind a screen, and I was also hurt by things I was reading so for my mental health, I needed to not be on social media. Can you believe people have killed themselves over things they’ve seen on social media?? That is so wrong!

Not only that, it was a huge waste of time. I could scroll through the newsfeed and all of a sudden 10 minutes turn into an hour. I loved seeing what my friends were doing in their lives but I also found myself comparing a lot.

I would see moms who I thought had it all together. They were doing full course meals and keeping their homes in a wonderful order. I’m lucky if I even have an idea for a main meal by noon and having more than one room picked up and cleaned at a time would be a miracle. (Thankfully my husband cooks!)

These women were amazing crafters, singers, writers and workout gurus, talented at so much more than myself. I found myself thinking things like, “I can do these things but I always fall short of their skill set.”

Do you realize that most people, especially in the United States, are codependent? Just see if you catch yourself going onto your social media to see if someone commented on or “liked” what you just had to share, whether it be many selfies or something about your day, showing off something you bought or something your kid did to make you proud.

Do you realize why the next generation is so much more depressed than the previous generations? It’s because they get their identifications through social media, how many likes, and how good it makes them feel. If they don’t get the response they are looking for, they will easily fall into a pit of depression.

I think that the computer has brought good to our culture as far as things such as being able to work from home or being able to print off papers. The mobile phones have brought much in the way of being able to communicate at anytime.

The downfall is that so much illegal activity starts on computers causing many ruined lives, and even if it’s not illegal, it can be detrimental to the one behind the screen as well as the ones that person has relationships with…spouse, children, friends, etc. You can research how addictive screens are to your brain and how the more you use the screen, the more you will need it.

The problem with mobile phones is that many believe they cannot live without them. I see this in adults who go out to eat together and are silent because they are on their phones. Take a look at a group of kids next time you go to the mall. Many will not be talking but instead texting as they stand right next to each other.

Using phones and internet devices with texting availability is causing our society to be more and more anti-social and only the screen makes them feel comfortable. Texting and driving accidents and deaths happen way more than drinking and driving, and somehow people continue to see it as harmless.

“Put your phone in your glove box!”, I’ve told my children.

Phones are also keeping children from learning how to spell correctly or even how to have decent conversations because of all the new learned words on text. This reminds me of the highly controversial Ebonics that came to the surface as a “language” in 1996.

How about Pig or Hog Latin? This was first heard of in the late 1800s as a children’s game so when they became adults, they would still speak it for fun. Once in awhile you will hear someone speak it, but as a game to keep you guessing what is being said, not a true language.

Can you guess what the below mean? Read them out loud. Maybe that will help. Maybe not? Just in case you’re wondering, I had to look up these phrases because I could not do it without help.

“I mu m8. Ltns. Hru?”
“Befo’ you know it, he be done aced de tesses.”
“Iway on ‘tday understandway”

Years ago, I took a three week hiatus from my phone, and we had no home phone either. I turned my mobile phone off and put it away. One of my children asked what they would do if they needed to get in touch with me, and I said that I would eventually be available. Did you know that not once was anything needed that couldn’t wait? It was a good lesson for me as well as my children.

I remember being younger and gone for hours without contact with anyone. We just didn’t need the mobile phones, though they didn’t exist then so no one saw the “need” for them. I’ve been trying to work on not being on my phone as much since last year.

Well, I guess I got off on a rabbit trail, but the point is, we feel the need to measure up and do what our peers are doing, if not better. “Anything you can do, I can do better” or “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. We feel the need to have the next biggest and best things, the need to have expensive phones and clothes….the need to have approval through likes about selfies and your world via social media. Do you know how much money we would save if we went back to “dumb phones”?!

I surely don’t want to give my child a reason to be codependent so I will go against the flow, even when unpopular. I don’t believe giving into everything my child wants or thinks they need. Parenting is tough. I have to say, “no” often.

One of the things I’ve done with my children, and more and more with my youngest, is positive self talk. I will also write on her bathroom mirror (with an expo whiteboard marker) things she can read and repeat to herself so she knows she doesn’t need to find her identity in anyone or anything. I’ve noticed, over time, she will do the same thing with me and even write me notes of encouragement.

“You are beautiful – fearfully and wonderfully made!”
“You are loved!”
“You are one in a million!”
“You are cherished!”
“You are a child of the King of Kings!”
“You are smart!”
“You are loved more than you’ll ever know!”
“You are amazing!”
“You’re perfect just the way you are!”
“You will make a difference!”
“You will be a world changer!”

So let’s work on not being a codependent society, not listening to the lies, but instead teach our children that we only need to find our identity in Christ alone, and His Truths will tell us who we are!

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Blessings,
Jennifer