November 17, 2018

The other day when I was about to workout, I heard two young mamas talking about their failures and how hard parenting was for each of them. Then, one said, “I always tell myself, tomorrow I’ll be a better mommy”.

This conversation made my heartbreak because I totally understood what she was saying, but after being a mom for over 24 years now, I have even more understanding than I did with two toddlers running around.

You see, I remember planning this perfect little family in my mind and all the things we would do and memories we’d make….until reality hit…illness, tiredness, day in and day out life.

I remember with my first little one, I was scared to death to leave the hospital. I remember sitting on the hospital bed crying because I didn’t want to leave.

I remember going home and wondering what we got ourselves into. I laid him in the cradle and just stared at him. He was so beautiful to me yet I was so scared to have this huge responsiblity. I thought for sure God made a big mistake by giving us a child because I felt I was not fit to be a mama to this precious little one. I had no idea what to do.

Even though he slept more during the day at first, I remember when he did, I could not. I was so anxious. I couldn’t settle down. I was making sure he was breathing all the time, and of course, he had to lay a certain way according to the experts. I even had this prop up side wedge thing that didn’t work.

In those first few weeks, I remember feeding him, changing him, rocking him, and singing to him. Then I wondered, “what else am I to do?” I remember taking him out in the stroller and having a stranger telling me that I shouldn’t have a child out while they are sick. You see, my child had a reflux problem so badly that he would throw up, so much so, I had to have an extra bag just for burp clothes and extra changes of clothes when we were out.

I remember going home and just crying because I felt I must be doing something wrong.

Then two years later, I had my first girl. I remember feeling completely different. I wasn’t scared to take her home. In fact, we left the hospital early because I didn’t want to stay. I had to go to the wallpaper store, of course, and pick out girlie wallpaper! That evening, I was putting up wallpaper. Oh my! I felt so blessed with my little boy and my little girl! I was SO happy!

I truly believe things were different because, out of desperation for help, I had given my life fully to Christ when my little boy was just a few weeks old. I also believe it was different because I already had two years of experience as a mama. I laugh at that “experience” now because I look back and realize how every season of our lives were so different from the previous season. It was a new experience ALL. THE. TIME! Always an adventure!

I had four children who were completely different in their own ways. They learned differently, their personalities were unique, and I was always wondering if I was doing it right or not. I read books on parenting, went to parenting conferences, and looked to other parents on how they did things.

There were many days I knew I had failed. I would get so mad at myself for allowing my emotions to run wild. I would think the day would be going so well, and then on some days, usually right about 4p.m., although some days, right at the start, everything seemed to unraval.

I would usually let things pile up mentally throughout the day, or the week, and if I didn’t feel I met my expectations of how I should be, I could easily fall apart. I would be disappointed in myself for not “getting it right” for the hundredth time, and unfortunately, that frustration would come out sideways toward my children and my husband….all because I didn’t give myself grace and therefore didn’t extend grace to anyone else.

Realizing I didn’t give my children much grace, I believed a lie about that. I had heard, “children should learn they should not push your buttons” although believing this is just a way to justify your own behavior. We must all be responsible for what choices we make, no matter how naughty a child may be. Even when my child is at their worst, I should still have a godly response; however, in our humanness, it is easy not to.

Many days, I thought things like, “well, once again, I messed so why even try to do better?” Even if I asked my children for forgiveness, I could not forgive myself for not being the “perfect” or even “close to perfect” mom. I wondered how we could have such great days, making many wonderful memories, and then, darn it, I messed up.

I was finding it easy to beat myself up mentally over so much on days….

“I don’t fix full course meals” (I knew people who did!)
“I feed my kids unhealthy foods (fast food!)
“my home is always a mess” (it wasn’t a museum; it’s lived in!)
” I yelled” (again!)
“I was tired so they were in front of the tv for most the day” (it’s hard work!)

…..and so much more.

I found that I was comparing myself to other moms. Some just seemed to have it all together and made parenting look easy, but over the years, I have realized that just as someone’s lawn may look amazing from a distance, it’s because you cannot see the weeds. No one has it all together.

I have a saying in my home, “We may not have it all together but together we have it all!” It’s SO true!

I remember one time someone who thought they were giving me a compliment after I was having a rough day with my youngest ones said, “Well, at least you did a good job with your older two.”

Now, I look back and instead of responding with an, “mm hmm”, I really wish I would’ve given her a “what for” comment, but I was so tired, I didn’t feel like saying anything. I am glad I responded correctly as I realize that person was not thinking before she spoke. I’ve done that a lot…I am sure we all do, so grace is extended.

I remember when my children were much younger, we made a joke about me becoming the Mommy Monster (especially at my time of month). We joked about this so much that for Halloween one year, my littlest drew a monster while in school….and what was it? The Mommy Monster, of course. I was thinking, “Oh no! What in the world is her teacher thinking?” I am pretty sure she was understanding and probably found the humor in it, being a mommy herself.

While in a bookstore this past year, I saw a children’s book about a Mom who morphs into a monster during the story and goes back to her sweet self at the end. I stood there reading the entire book and chuckled because it was so true.

When my son was younger, he told me we he had a dream of me turning into Cruella de Vil?! (after watching 101 Dalmatians!) It seemed to go hand in hand with the Mommy Monster.

Then my littlest said I was like Mary Poppins, “practically perfect in every way”.

What a bipolar example of who I am, and as with everything in my life, I am always working to find balance.

In the urban dictionary, you can find Momster for children who are complaining about mom. What about dads, huh? I wonder how they get a break, and I think, “dads are always fun while moms are with their children almost 24/7, and the children get to see all the emotions of a mama, so of course we seem a little crazy”.

Have you seen the emoji of all the emotions of a man in one day versus a woman? The men wake up very happy then continue to be pretty content throughout the day, and end with sleeping…peacefully, of course, and snoring (as we are wide awake hating that they can sleep through every little noise)

Then the woman’s shows 27 different emotions all from happy to lovey to angry to sad to everything in-between. Yep, seems to be the men need to have more emotion and the women less because, even though a joke, the emoji differences are very extreme.

What I wanted to say to this mama who said, “Tomorrow I’ll be a better mommy”, was:

“while yes that is true, tomorrow you will be a better mommy because, as with anything, the more you work at something, the better you will be. BUT in the meantime, do NOT beat yourself up for today, and know that for today, you did the best you could. You live and you learn, you ask forgiveness and extend forgiveness, you show grace and mercy and are given grace and mercy. You are a work in progress as we all are.”

Remember, mamas, you were chosen for this special position as caretaker to the most precious ones that can be equally little stinkers. They were chosen for you, too. God does not make mistakes; He does know what He is doing and has plans for both you and your children, plans to give you all a hope and a future!

And fathers, make sure you remind your children what an amazing mama they have, and make sure you encourage her in her daily tasks of learning through trial and error in being the mother of your children.

And children, as funny as Mommy Monster is, make sure you are respectful and do not use the “Momster” terminology as a dig at her imperfections. (I had no idea that term even existed until this year when I saw the book.)

Even though they did mess up at times, love your mamas for all they helped you to become because you ARE amazing. She put up with you because she loves you that much. You will never know how much she loved you until you have children of your own.

So for all you mamas reading this, remind yourself:

Today you were a GOOD mommy and tomorrow you will be a BETTER mommy, and by the time you’ve raised all your children, you will have made plenty of mistakes, mess ups, and blunders so that when the time comes to be a grandmother, you will be the BEST mommy your child ever had!

Blessings,
Jennifer